i find it difficult to ask for anything.  most difficult to ask for something that is for myself.  personal space.  time alone.  something just for me.  a week, or even just one day, where nobody is asking me to do for them.  hence the recent decision to take a road trip.  don't know exactly when i'm going (soon, very soon), nor where i'm going, nor when i might be back (if ever).  but i've made up my mind, and that's that.  and i didn't ask permission, either.  this is something i really need to do.  for me.  and for the kids, who will be coming along for the ride.  we'll have so much fun!  seeing places we've never been, talking to people.  real people, not just words on a computer screen.  won't that be nice?  you just never know, maybe we'll see you around...

the rain.




seems like a much better thing to celebrate than any holiday based upon someone else's religion, or turning another year older.  yes, indeed.  i would like to celebrate the rain, because right now, there's more of that here than anything else. 

on this day in 1935, Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi

no.  did thirty years of chronic physical pain make me a better person than someone who has not had such an experience?  no.  pain and suffering just hurts.  to give it value would be to accept the pain, rather than do what needs to be done to make it go away.  i'm glad i'm not in pain anymore.  i'm also very glad i no longer suffer guilt and shame because my personal spirituality is in conflict with everyone else's religion (a totally different kind of suffering, worse, in my opinion, based upon my experience).  ask anyone if they would choose to suffer, if given the option.  would you?  so where's the value in it?

abuse.  be it in the form of an alcoholic father or government legislation, whether the abuse is inflicted upon my body or simply consists of threats of dire consequences if i do not obey, i am my own authority, i get to make my own decisions for myself.

i refuse to accept abuses against myself, against my children, against any humans on this planet.  period.  i refuse to turn a blind eye and pretend it doesn't exist, or to downplay how harmful it is.  i refuse to sit here quietly in my nice warm home with my belly full of good food while there are humans denied these simple necessities of life because they pray to the wrong god or have too dark a skintone.  it pisses me off something fierce that such abuses would no longer exist but for the fact that abused people deny the harm such abuses inflict upon themselves, in order to justify inflicting the same abuses upon others.  we can break the cycle of abuse.  it's up to each of us to do our part, to treat all others with the respect we deserve, to stop believing the lies that would tell us the abuse is for our own good, or for the "good of the group" or the "greater good" or the "common purpose" ... those are just fancy ways of saying that you, as an individual, don't matter.  i don't buy that.  i believe we all matter.  each and every one of us.  i believe that with every fiber of my being, and i refuse to accept anyone or anything that would deny anyone their freedom.

i grind its bones to make my bread...

may we all find understanding of truth that lies within.
may we all have courage to look for our own answers.
may we all have wisdom to listen to that inner voice.
may we all have patience with ourselves and with others,
as we all find our own healing in our own unique ways.

what's wrong with this picture?
what if my skin weren't so white?
(maybe i'll be green today, or purple)
would they talk to me then?
or would they still hate me?
why should i ask the government
for permission to say who i am?
and why is it that so many people refuse
to see what is as clear as the face i wear?
does pretending something is not so
make it any less true?

what, like some sort of vampire?
no.  i do not wish to live forever.
i do not fear death.
should i?
been there done that.
it's not that big a deal.
this lifetime is finite in length
and that is as it should be.

having to walk it alone.  my subjective personal spirituality is not compatible with any objective organized religion.  Siona refers to it as a "chosen" path.  i do not see it that way at all.  had i the choice, would i not rather the company of others who share the same beliefs?  but my personal spirituality is what it is, and i found no answers in the doctrines of others' religions.  the only place i ever found any answers was within.

goals?  motivation?  my spirituality does not include promises of reward, nor threats of punishment.  only an abusive god would demand obedience in such a way.  the gods that i know are not the sort to manipulate and control the people who believe in them.  though i do have a personal goal, somewhat related to my spirituality, in that i wish someday to be free to believe what i do without other people wanting to "help" me by trying to make me believe in their religion instead.  that would be real nice.

i am a psychic experience