we give up freedom for the illusion of safety and protection.  i don't much care for it.  i don't like being imprisoned, even if everyone always says that's what i should want.  i think they lie.

inside my own head.

you've heard the story about the drummer guy.  maybe in bits and pieces, maybe in an unrelenting barrage of emails or lengthy chat sessions.  but everyone knows.  and funny thing is, this question is wrong if you want me to tell that story.  shall we rephrase the question itself?  or shall i try to explain how i already know him, better than i know anyone else, regardless the distance between us and the time since we first/last met?

i am not spiritually homeless.  i do not agree with your religion that promises you a better somewhere else if you act right and are an obedient slave to the abusive Master.  Earth is my home.  i like it here.  maybe it's not your home.  maybe that's why your society trashes the place and hates it here so much, and why you would believe those religions that promise to reward you with escape from this world, this reality, in which we live.  those same religions tell you how inferior you are, tell you how bad you are.  your God is an abusive father whose words whittle away at your self-esteem and self-respect to the point you allow Him to tell you what is and is not allowed.  i already had one abusive father in my life, i don't need another.  i don't need anybody else's rules to dictate how i should act.  i don't need your morals and values to be a good person.  i don't need the promise of paradise, for i'm already there!  and when i die, guess what?  i'll still be here!  why would i want to go to your heaven, anyway?  free will is not allowed there, you know.  in heaven, everyone knows everything, so there are no choices to be made, no chance of making mistakes, or of learning from them.  don't sound much like fun to me.  no thanks.  i do not believe the crap they tell us. 

i'm not buying it.  why should you?  are you simply too terrified of the consequences, the punishments meted out by your vengeful God, should you choose not to obey His Law?  oh, and before you start to think i'm only talking about christians, you're wrong about that.  i'm talking about all the religions.  even your newage mumbo-jumbo for chicken-shits who want to think they are thinking, but still want someone else to tell them what to think.  all of those religions are based upon a lie, many lies.  no, not truth.  surely there is truth in them, else nobody would believe any of it.  but the foundation is a con, a trick, a lie.  the lie is that some beings are superior than others, that there is a pecking order, and those with more power, more control over other people lives, are somehow better.  not just human pecking order, oh no!  this extends into the spiritual realm (oh, which i do not separate from this physical reality in which we live, that there's another one of those lies).  your religion would have you believe that the gods are somehow better than us!  hahahaha  ain't that a hoot?  first, you refuse to acknowledge their presence in our world.  and then, when you can no longer deny the reality of things unexplained, you believe that somehow not having a physical body makes spirit beings superior to humans!!  what a load of crap.

this is where we are right now.  right here.  you are not evolving into something better.  you are not going to wake up one day and have all the answers.  you can find the right questions to ask.  but that's not allowed, asking questions.  it's bad, it's wrong, it's a sin to speak of such unthinkable things, much less question what you have been told, or why you were told what you were.  the best you can do is to keep making mistakes and learn from them. but that's not allowed either.  it's frowned upon.  somehow it makes you a bad person, so the obedient god-loving(fearing) slaves can think of themselves as somehow better than you because they follow the right rules, and pray to the right god, and never make any decisions for themselves before first making sure it's been approved by their superiors.  that's not living.  what is life if you don't make any mistakes, ever?  what is life if you don't learn something new every day?  no wonder so many people imagine this existence to be torturous and miserable.  no wonder they would seek to escape from this reality.  well, i'm not them.  i like it here.  i'm staying.

so when your angels come to take you away, go....  please.
or maybe it's the aliens.  whatever.  i don't believe they are superior to me.  i know better than that.  but maybe you're enticed by the idea of being part of the collective, joining the hive, losing your body, living as spirit, but you will still be abused and not allowed to make your own decisions, what is "for the good of the group" will still matter most, not what is good for you or good for any of the other symbiotes, individually.  you seem to wish to sacrifice your individuality in exchange for the chance to play god, or to be one with all, or whatever other nonsense they've told you that makes you think humans are inferior beings that need such nasty controls to keep us acting right.  you will still be threatened with punishment (oh, maybe the threat will be you'll have to come back to earth! hahaha) if you don't obey, if you dare to make your own decisions.  and once you are already in the promised land, what's left to reward you with if you do obediently follow all the dictates of your abusive Master?  i don't know.  some scams are just scams, cons, lies, tricks.  bullshit is what it is.  and the reason we are told to believe it is because some people want the power to control others.  this is what's wrong in our world.  not the world itself.  not human nature.  but control issues, abusive authority that would deny us freedom, simply because somebody maybe told them they were better than the rest of us, that they were helping us by forcing us to obey their rules, their laws, their morals. 

abuse is never a good thing.  period.  spiritual abuse is perhaps the worst kind of them all.  look real close at what your religion is telling you.  ask yourself why.  why should you believe it?  why should you obey those rules?  are you just too afraid that you won't ever figure it out on your own, that you feel it is okay to give away your power to choose for yourself, to think for yourself?

in 1776, a bunch of rich white guys got together, see.  and they made a contract with some other rich white guys on the other side of the ocean, see.  and they signed this contract between themselves, giving them authority to control people's lives.  but i didn't sign that contract.  i wasn't there.  my ancestors didn't sign that contract, either.  they were deliberately left out of the proceedings altogether.  but somehow, everyone thinks it's binding.  it don't even obey it's own rules!

so we had this here "revolutionary war"  (which is really strange, as both "sides" instead of fighting each other, were simply killing off the natives in vast quantities to clear the land for exploitation).  and this war created a huge debt.  and this debt enslaved the population to the banks, and to the very king they claimed "independence" from!

wait!  what the fuck was the question again?  hahahaha 
"independence" is a joke, but it's not very funny.  it's one of those words that means the exact opposite what we are told it means.  like liberty, and justice, and rights.  it's a trick.  a con.  maybe that's why they call it the CONstitution?

i am thankful that my life don't suck near as bad as most people's lives.  i am thankful for the opportunity to experience life, in all its diversity.  right this moment, i am most thankful for the rain, that i might sit outside and cry and not have to explain to anyone or have to deal with them trying to cheer me up.

sometimes it feels like this:


and sometimes it feels like this:

but i always feel something.
can't turn it off.  the breathing.  the feelings.
the other things i'm not saying.
it won't go away.  it's part of who i am.

nothing is certain...

anything is possible.

sleep is a body function.  like bowel movements, it happens usually every day around the same time, and is for the most part a pleasant experience.  there are many other things we could talk about.  some things i'd rather keep private.

maybe.  sounds like it might be fun.  not so much the money for nothin and the chicks for free part, but the traveling all over the world and getting to hang out with some really interesting people.  i'd like to meet willie nelson.  that would be cool.

LOL!

i have been on a mission lately to find pornographic images that cater to my particular fantasies.  it's gotta be out there somewhere.  other than that, i'm not looking for anything in particular, not that i can think of right at this moment.  i have been provided with all that i need.  as for the things i want but don't (yet) have, so what if they might not even exist?  does that make the fantasy any less sweet?

enlightenment is the bullshit that modern day scammers and conartists are selling.  it's snake oil.  it's something that is used to make people feel inferior, and thus willing to accept the controls of those who call themselves superior.  it goes hand-in-hand with spiritual evolution.  maybe that's the bottle that holds the enlightenment.  social darwinism is just as harmful on the spiritual level as it is in the mundane world.  i reject the heirarchy of control, for this leads to abuses.  nobody is better than anybody else.  nobody.  everyone has been given their own unique and special gifts.  no gift is better than any other.  it is up to you what you do with the gifts you have received, or if you'd rather listen to the gurus and preachermen who would tell you how bad you are, and that you need to be fixed, that you need to reach some imaginary state of enlightenment, and that you can't get there unless you obey certain rules, believe certain things, and only think good thoughts.  i'm calling BS. 

religious exclusivism is alive and well in the 21st century.  i used to think it was a purely christian phenomena, until i learned about other religions.  they all do it.  and they all think it's bad when the others do it, but it's okay for their group because they are the One True Religion, or they believe in the One True God, so they consider it brainwashing when others proselytize but it's "helping" people when they do it.  no.  no f*ing way, dude.  i would much rather be free, think my own thoughts, and believe what i know is true.  abusive controls aren't much fun.  thanks, tho.  i appreciate that you think i need your help.  but maybe i'm just fine the way i am.  maybe i don't need your religion to make me a better person.  maybe i don't share your belief in One True God.  maybe i don't believe that we are all One.  maybe i don't want to.  maybe there's nothing wrong with me, and nothing wrong with what i believe, even if it's not the same as what you believe is true.  maybe truth only exists subjectively.

the last thing i broke....  oh!  that would be the globalist's plans for world domination.  what happened to it?  it's still limping along, but not with quite the same vim and vigor as before.  there are still far too many dying in a war that shouldn't exist.  but we're getting there.

myself.  it's a process.  might be a never-ending one.  i don't know and won't know until/when/if i ever reach the end.  not in any big hurry to get there.  this is fun!

little rocks and pebbles.  pretty feathers.  four leaf clovers.  shiny pennies.  the purple seashells at the beach (sometimes other ones, too, but i am drawn more to the purple ones, they were harder to find).  babies crying, that always gets my attention, doesn't matter whose baby it is or even what species.  the sunrise gets my attention.  the moon, the stars.  the hawk that has been hanging out in my neighborhood, calling for a mate.  the interesting lines written on people's faces get my attention.  the beautiful people at the gym i go to, they get my attention, too.  all sorts of things.  what a strange question.

opportunity awaits.  what i want might take a while to get.  that's okay.  i got time.

the most dangerous thing anyone can do is allow someone else to do their thinking.  the danger lies not in those who would happily take over and tell you exactly what you should believe and how you should act, oh no, not them.  the danger lies within, in forsaking your own freedom to the extent that you would allow that to happen.  freedom is a gift.  treasure it.  keep it.  and give it away!  share it with everyone you come in contact with, they have as much right to it as anyone else, we all do.

What is it like to be in pain? What does suffering feel like for you?

pain and suffering are not the same thing.  pain is a swirling bottomless pit of doubt and fear.  suffering is when you quit trying to climb out of that pit, and just let yourself wallow in it.

it's not anybody else's job to make me happy.  what makes me happy is when my loved ones respect my feelings as valid, no matter what kind of mood i'm in, and don't try to make me anything.

if creativity were a spark, i would be a forest fire.  expressing my creativity is what prevents me from raging out of control.  well, those words are wrong.  might edit this when i figure out some better ones.  i think you get the picture, tho.  the analogy seems to work rather well, regardless.

being lied to.

oh, i think it would be absolutely dreamy!

i hear his heavy footsteps behind me.  i dare not turn around.  he slowly unties the scarf from my long brown hair, letting it cascade down my shoulders.  very gently, he reties the scarf over my eyes and i am effectively blindfolded...

i do not believe there are any absolute rules to follow.  what is best depends on circumstance, situation, gut feeling, and available information.  but also i do believe that being dishonest, lying to anyone about anything, tends to cause more problems than it solves.

1. Are you a male or female?
anything goes

2. How do you feel:
love hungry man

3. Describe where you currently live:
hell's bells

4. If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
safe in new york city

5. Your favorite form of transportation:
rock n roll train

6. Your best friend is:
night prowler

7. What's the weather like?
thunderstruck

8. Favorite time of day:
you shook me all night long

9. If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?
rock n roll dream

10. What is life to you?
jailbreak

11. Your fear:
dirty deeds done dirt cheap

12. What is the best advice you have to give?
let there be rock

13. Thought for the day:
if you want blood, you got it

14. How would you like to die:
big balls

15. your soul's present condition:
problem child

16. your motto:
for those about to rock (we salute you)

Troll took me for a ride!

(image info)

they hate me.  i don't go to the right church.  i don't even pray to the right god.  i won't act right and follow their rules.  i won't blindly agree with their leaders, their preachers, their teachers, their sages, because that would mean choosing to not do my own thinking.  they believe that makes me a bad person, because i don't even try to be who they think i should want to be, because i won't pretend to be someone i'm not, just to fit in and be accepted by their group.