to be true to myself.

yes i do.  spirit offered me a name. 
i accepted that name and the task that comes with it. 
i didn't want to.  i fought against it, hard. 
then spirit said to me, if not you, then who?

bob dylan - i believe in you

They ask me how I feel
And if my love is real
And how I know I'll make it through.
And they, they look at me and frown,
They'd like to drive me from this town,
They don't want me around
'Cause I believe in you.

They show me to the door,
They say don't come back no more
'Cause I don't be like they'd like me to,
And I walk out on my own
A thousand miles from home
But I don't feel alone
'Cause I believe in you.

I believe in you even through the tears and the laughter,
I believe in you even though we be apart.
I believe in you even on the morning after.
Oh, when the dawn is nearing
Oh, when the night is disappearing
Oh, this feeling is still here in my heart.

Don't let me drift too far,
Keep me where you are
Where I will always be renewed.
And that which you've given me today
Is worth more than I could pay
And no matter what they say
I believe in you.

I believe in you when winter turn to summer,
I believe in you when white turn to black,
I believe in you even though I be outnumbered.
Oh, though the earth may shake me
Oh, though my friends forsake me
Oh, even that couldn't make me go back.

Don't let me change my heart,
Keep me set apart
From all the plans they do pursue.
And I, I don't mind the pain
Don't mind the driving rain
I know I will sustain
'Cause I believe in you.

we'll have to change the question if i'm gonna answer it.
where do you find comfort?
what feels comfortable to you?
these are questions that might have answers.
but to ask me with what am i comfortable?
no, that question does not work at all.
comfort comes from within.
and it might be felt in certain circumstances,
or in the presence of certain people, places, or things.
but those external things do not bring me comfort,
they just help remind me to look inside for it.

sure i have!  who hasn't? 
isn't that what it's all about? 
every day i learn something new.
every moment, i re-create myself
in light of this new information.

i am not a stagnant pool of murky water.
i am a cool clear mountain spring,
my water bubbles up from the ground,
and rains down from the sky,
and is always flowing to the sea.

"Have you ever tried to change something about yourself..."

yes, my heart.



i tried to deny how i feel.
never let anyone know
what's in my heart
how much i care
how much it hurts
but pretending didn't make it stop.

i thought if i could be more like them
if i could turn off my feelings
if i could just stop caring about them
maybe they wouldn't hate me so much
maybe they wouldn't hurt me anymore
it never worked.

they wanted me to abuse them.
and they call it "Love"
when they hurt each other like that.
i tried to show them what i call love
has nothing to do with control.
and they called me a liar
and accused me of being abusive.

they wanted me to lie to them.
and they call it "Truth"
when they hurt each other like that.
i tried to show them what i call truth
has nothing to do with lies.
and they called me a liar
and accused me of hurting them.

they wanted me to pray with them
and they call it "God"
when they hurt each other like that.
i tried to show them what i call god
has nothing to do with religion.
and they called me a liar
and accused me of hurting them.

i wanted to do those things for them
that they wanted me to do.
and i wanted to be the person
they thought i should be.
but i just couldn't do it right.
it never worked.

i see real freedom and world peace happening, in this generation.
i see the end of all abusive institutions that prevent freedom,
instead of trading one for another as always in the past..
i see the end of governments and religions.
i see the system of control self-destructing,
like plato, who described it, said it would, eventually.
but i don't see why it took us so long to get here.

i trust that we can all heal from the hurt inflicted upon us by others.  i really do.  what i do not trust are people who would use those past hurts as an excuse to hurt me.  i get accused of being defensive.  uh, yeah!  when  you are under attack by the hurtful actions of others, defensiveness only makes good sense.  that's why we are called survivors instead of victims.


oh, and by the way, the opposite of trust would be mistrust.  that is not the same thing as fear.  fear has nothing to do with it.

to be surprised.

wisdom?  first you gotta define the word.  if knowledge is the information, wisdom would be the ability to separate the truth from the bullshit in that info.  hahahaha  don't see too much of that around here.  certainly not in the answers to these questions.  not when y'all believe your sages who say that we are bad to judge.  it is in making judgments that we are wise!  try it.  a little bit of thinking for yourself won't hurt you.  i promise it'll be okay.  no, you won't ever be able to go back to your brainless state of blind obedience, but that's okay.  ignorance is not bliss, it's just stupid.

it just keeps getting better!

i ain't askin fer nuthin...

life is not always pretty, but it is always a work of art.
i am often graced with the presence of beauty in my world.
i am very grateful for the opportunity to have experienced so much of it.
i have truly been blessed...                      thank you

greatness?
...it's when you realize there's no contest.

i don't know.  maybe it's just the marketing of an artificial beauty to artificial people who would let society determine who they are rather than have to figure it out for themselves.

:-)

i look like my mom.  shorter and curvier, but pretty much the same.  that right there might be where the similarities end.  she chooses to be the perpetual victim.  she doesn't seem to realize that such passive-aggressive "nice" (doormat) behavior is just as abusive as the aggressively violent nature my father had.  the biggest difference between me and my parents is that i chose not to perpetuate the cycle of abuse that they inherited from their parents, instead my children know how much they are adored.

you look at me but you can't see me
all you can see is a twisted reflection
of all the things you hate most in yourself.

open your eyes.  i am not your mirror.
you must have a reflective lining in your eyelids.

it's real easy being me.  what has always been difficult is when i try to be someone i am not, when i have appearances to keep up.  that just takes a bit too much effort.  i'm kinda lazy that way, it's just easier (and lots more fun) to be real than fakey fake.  you should all try it, at least once, just to see for yourself.

having multiple orgasms.  wait, is that not a family-friendly answer?  (how do you think we got them kids in the first place, then?)  can you think of anything better than that?  nah, i didn't think so.

second-best thing about being me...  would maybe be the fun of watching the reactions of people who think they got me figured out when i do something they are totally not expecting.  *giggle*

that all depends on what they are trying to say.  listening to someone who lies to me, that hurts.  listening to someone who envies me but speaks flattering words, that hurts even worse.  listening to someone who offers true compliments, that feels real good (even if it sounds the same as the previous flatterer).  listening to my children giggle, that's the best.

that's for the listener to decide.  feels good to tell.  whether my words are heard or not isn't really at issue, so long as they are not silenced.

hm...  strange words.  i don't think in terms of body/soul duality, so this poses a slight problem in answering the question.

maybe i'll be back later with a question that i might can try to answer.... i dunno.

what nourishes me?
food
what feeds me?  (now that's one hell of a question right there!)
patti smith said "love is the banquet on which we feed"
she might have been right about that.
and when it comes to love, it's all about those dreams.
those dreams of mine sustain me, keep me going.
i call them dreams, but that's not what it is.
i just don't have any better words to use to talk about it.
whatever it is, it used to mostly happen only when i was asleep.

so what happened was, as a child, my world was a magical place.  and then they sent me to school, where magic was childish and not allowed.  so i had to shove the magic into my dreams and not let it happen too much when i was awake, because it wasn't allowed.  so instead of dreams, you could call it magic, whatever it is.  and denying the reality of the magic hurt me tremendously.  it caused great pain in my life.  and i had to learn how to stop denying it, which was not an easy task, as all of society seemingly wants me to keep it bottled up inside and not let it out of my dreams.  but i can't do that.  it hurts too much.  i'm done with the pain.  had enough of it.  and i learned to accept the magic was real, and the dreams aren't really dreams but something very different than that.  and the pain, it went away!  so now i can finally live.  whole, instead of divided.  i tore down that wall that caused me to live only half a life.  and what i found beyond...  it's what sustains me.  not sure if words will ever do it justice.  call it whatever you want.  if you have found it too, you know what i'm talking about.  if you haven't, you can't possibly understand.  this is the difference between those who simply repeat things wise men have said, and those who are wise.  the latter are whole, while the former are divided up by their own belief in duality, in opposites, in good/evil, black/white, or body/soul.

i'm not so sure if questions can be real or true...  but they can be honest.  an honest question is one you actually want to hear an honest answer.  i hear honest questions only from my children.  grownups don't want you me to answer honestly.

my heart wants most to end the battle with my head over what i should want.


what i want is to be free to follow my heart.  but my head keeps getting in the way.